I think I am one of the most fortunate people I know.
For years of my life there was struggle. The struggle was totally internal, not external. To many on the outside, I am sure I seemed successful. I knew a lot of people, was recognizable to many more and could simply get many things I wanted simply by making a phone call here or there. I hung out with famous and infamous people. I was successful in image, but I wasn’t successful in reality or in my own head.
Because the conventional rewards were few and far between, I often would lay in bed at night and ask myself these questions:
Why am I doing this? When will I ever make any real money? Am I crazy for doing this?
Most of my friends are all settling down, getting “good” jobs, starting families and having “normal” lives.
What am I doing? Am I crazy for doing this? What could I be thinking?
In the end, I always answered my own questions the same way. I couldn’t do anything else. Everytime I thought about changing direction, I started getting depressed, sad and felt like I would be out of place.
I had no other choice.
I was compelled to follow the track I was on. Logically, it wasn’t going to lead to anything substantial.
In my head, it made no sense. My head didn’t always understand what my heart was saying.
It only made sense in one place.
In my heart. My heart understood. My heart knew.
The truth was, and is, I can only be productive when I am enjoying myself. As I was enjoying myself, I was getting better and better. Maybe nobody else would have liked the way my career trajectory arc was forming, but I did.
In the end, that was the only person who mattered.